Paving a New Road’s Weblog
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Want to… Don’t Want To… Did

Did you watch Oprah today?

I wanted to, yet I didn’t want to.

It was the story of my married life. “Spousal Rape” As these brave and strong women told of what happened with them, I listened, and froze, they could have been telling my story. The story I had never had the wherewithall to tell. I’d known that it existed, I never said a thing. I never said a thing when I was being abused, how would I have been able to say I was raped? I did have arguements with the x, that what he was doing was rape, and he just laughed. I had been beaten down with words and actions for so long, I was being manipulated by one of the best. How could I stand up for myself now?

He used things against me if I did not give into what he wanted. Everything he said, he would start off with “I’ve done my research”. He threatened to kill one or both of us, if I left he was going to get sole custody of my daughter. Always more, always something new. I didn’t leave for a long time, thinking if I stayed in the same house, I could protect her better because I would see things and protect her. Big mistake. I should have left the first time he ever raised his hand to me. That would have been before the wedding.

Had I done that, I would not have my daughter today. I don’t regret anything I’ve been through. I love my daughter with all my heart. I am grateful for her every day, every minute of every day.

I don’t have a clock I can turn back, which is just fine with me, so mistakes and regrets are useless. I can change what I do, and how I respond to things going forward. I can also be willing to tell my stories, be supportive to someone that needs to talk, and hopefully be a role model of both what not to do, and what to do. Life is so worth living


One Response to “Want to… Don’t Want To… Did”

  1. This is one of the bravest things I’ve ever read. Wow. You’re amazing. Thank you for putting this down. You are speaking for so many women.

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