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Failure = Survival

Even though I didn’t get married with the intention of getting divorced, it was in the failure of my marriage that I survived. Had I chosen to stay married, I believe I would have died. Beaten down little by little, or in one fell swoop, I don’t know, but I truly don’t believe I would be here today.

Staying was a choice, I didn’t say a good one, but it was a choice. Not leaving, doing nothing, no action, is a choice. Could be considered a default choice even. Luckily it’s not the choice I made.

Was I strong, was I weak… does it really matter? I was in quick sand, slowly sinking, the harder I fought it, the worse it got. The more I gave in, even a little, and got myself together, without appearing to be lining the ducks up, the better off I was. It became a balancing act. I wrote, I didn’t pour my heart out, I was afraid someone would read what I wrote, I was told I had to share. I was told things were wrong with me. How could anything be wrong with him, he was Mr Perfect, or so he told me, many times, in different words.

I was told no one would want me, I was to ugly, to fat, to….. everything thats not right. Looking back on it now, if I was all those why did he want to keep me around? Looking back on it now, I have the answer. He has no heart, he only has possessions, and he thought I was one of them. Wrong buddy…. I’m a person too… with a heart… with compassion… with value… with worth…. with more than you will ever know…..!!

All because I failed.

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