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A Fantasy Life

Some days I feel like I’m holding out for tomorrow to start living. If I just get through to whatever it is I’m holding out for, then I can really start living. Will things magically be better then, will I have the courage I want to have then, will I have the body I want, will I have the budget I want….. will I have the heart, the who knows what it is to live the life I want?Why don’t I have all that today? Do I know what I really want? Am I really just putting off dealing with the “stuff” it’s going to take to get me there so I can take the easy way, or so I can blame someone else for me not having the life I want?If thats the case, then I’m a total hypocrite.  I’ve always said it was up to me to create my life, I wasn’t going to blame anyone else for my mistakes, my bad decisions….. but in reality I’m scared of him….. I’ve always been afraid of him (the x) Until my daughter is 18 and graduates from high school he can still make little digs that get to me, he can still go after my paycheck, he can still do all that he can to make me suffer, because I left him. I hurt his pride, I walked out on him.  I want my life back, I want to let go, and start living my fantasy life today!!To do that I will need to:

  1. start working out (thats another post unto itself)
  2. quit letting him seep into my thoughts, when he does I need to have something I tell myself along the lines of “I have moved on from him and he can no longer get to me”
  3. clean up my home and get all his stuff or anything that reminds me of him out…. there may not be much, but it’s to much
  4. do things I want to do, regardless of whether he liked it or disliked it ( I don’t know enough about him to day to know what he does and doesn’t like anymore)
  5. finally love myself more than he hated me

My fantasy life will be me with a lot less weight… mine, and his.  

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